The Journey is Overrated
Steven Dakermanji
Word Count:299
It
was a normal day, only I didn’t eat the lunch that was sitting my refrigerator
at home. I wanted to rush home but my neighbor that usually keeps me company
was late, as usual. After waiting at the schools flagpoles for what seemed an
eternity, He came strolling out as usual. A quick barrage of insults started
and we quickly started walking.
The
first hurdle in our walk was the cross walk. It had just changed away from our
lane, so we would have to wait the whole 3 minutes for the light to change to
give us safe passage across the precarious street littered with insane teenage
drivers. What would happen if it never changed? Would we be stuck, oh wait it
changed lets go. The count down gave our steps purpose to get out of the walk
way before the lights changed. At the other end we continued to get home, my
stomach growling like a caged animal.
The
second hurdle was the forest. It had rained the night before; if we tried to
cut through we might get stuck in the mud or be attacked by one of the crazy
wild deer that normally inhabited the area. I bravely suggested we try to go
through to cut five minutes off of our trip. The path was twisted and warped
from the rain but our brave sense of adventure kept us straight. Our shoes
muddy and my stomach attracting the attention of the vicious animals, we
reached the edge and could see our houses. We parted ways and jogged the last
few steps home.
There
I was greeted by my mother with my sandwich and snacks from my lunch. Our brave
adventure had been conquered and I enjoyed the spoils of the slain villain, my
hunger.
The Point: Anything and everything
is complicated by hunger.
From reading your story it seems to fit the adventure/accomplishment category. I like how you showed us details as if we were in your shoes, such as the details of the forest. However, it is hard to tell where the turning point of the story is or the transition state of the story/climax. Is it exiting the forest, or your friend taking you home to get your lunch? Try to make that part more clear, however overall I loved the details about the woods adventure.
ReplyDeleteYou do a good job turning the later parts into a wild adventure through a forest. An interesting idea might be to start that style and imagery from the beginning. For example, in your "first hurdle," you could talk about the teenagers as wild beasts of a type, rather than just teenage drivers. In that moment when you are stuck at the light, It might be helpful to stretch out the dramatic tension a bit. I'm not sure if I understand the reasoning behind your title, but I would imagine the journey is "under"rated as there seems to be a greater appreciation for your lunch, having crossed the hurdles to get there. A suggestion for rephrasing your point from what I gather in your story would be to use the word "intensified", instead of "complicated".
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